myboyfriendreadsharrypotter

My boyfriend is possibly the last person on earth who hasn't read Harry Potter.
In his journey through the wonderful wizarding world, he's come up with some poignant, relevant and often hilarious insights. Follow as he works his way up to the big battle!

contact: myboyfriendreadshp@gmail.com | twitter @bfreadshp

Quote

2 months ago | Notes: 1

"I mean, how about ‘The Molesters Map.’ They use the map to navigate the dark castle and find women to molest. Instead of ‘Mischief Managed’ they could say ‘Molestation Managed.’ It could be for those women who have rape fantasies. There’s a market for that, isn’t there?"

- Boyfriend on wizard porn.

Quote

2 months ago | Tags: Harry Potter sex | Notes: 4

"I think the porn industry really missed out when it came to Harry-Potter-themed pornos. I mean, other than Harry Twatter. But was that the best they could do? There are so many options."

Chat

8 months ago | Notes: 20

Boyfriend: Little known fact: the early success of the beatles with such love-inspired songs as, "All you need is love" can be attributed to Dumbledore magic attempt to subconsciously give Harry the tools to beat Voldemort.
Boyfriend: Unfortunately for Dumbledore, like so many of his generation, Harry was primarily listening to the Spice Girls, Chumbuwumba, and Smash Mouth before the Battle of Hogwarts
Boyfriend: That's a pottermore fact I hear

Quote

8 months ago | Notes: 9

"I bet the bible was just an extravagant way to cover up the powerful wizard Yahweh and his son Jesus."

- Boyfriend

Quote

8 months ago

"If the centaurs raped umbridge as is implied in the movies would she just have a satyr?"

- Boyfriend

Quote

8 months ago

"If I were Snape I’d get a painting of the Mauraders made just so I could poop and jizz all over them."

- Boyfriend

Quote

8 months ago | Notes: 4

"The first magic-talking-paintings must have been indistinguishable from one another…assuming magic painting started with cavemen stick figures"

Quote

8 months ago | Notes: 12

"Going back to the zoo Nagini, why did it speak Spanish if it was from Brazil? It should have spoken Portuguese."

- Boyfriend

Quote

8 months ago | Notes: 5

"How the hell did Nagini live so long? They have a 30 year lifespan. I bet Voldemort went through like 3-4 Naginis in his lifetime - sorta like how when people get a new cat they name it like Wicket 2."

- Boyfriend, who has a cat name Wicket.

Quote

8 months ago | Notes: 14

"What the hell did Nagini do when Voldemort was dead-ish? Maybe she took Spanish lessons and lived in a zoo until Harry freed her, like an idiot."

- Boyfriend on how big fucking snakes survive.

Chat

8 months ago | Notes: 5

Boyfriend: When Harry, Hermione and Ron were traipsing about the woods for what seemed like half a decade why didn't they just stay high on that potion that makes you happy?
Me: Um.. they needed to focus?
Boyfriend: Bullshit. Just give it to the person wearing the locket so they don't try to kill themselves.
Boyfriend: Plus if it's too hard to make, they could have just used the potion that makes you not care about your feelings anymore: alcohol.
Boyfriend: And as far as needing to focus with that...well I've known some drunks that weren't necessarily focused, but they certainly didn't get all angry and abusive.

Quote

8 months ago | Notes: 13

"Why didn’t Voldemort use boggarts as a weapon? Seems like it would be one hack ass weapon. Just get a bunch of them in crates and into a wizard plane and drop them over Hogwarts like bombs. Everyone would be shitting their pants. He wouldn’t have to do a thing."

- Boyfriend on Boggarts

Quote

8 months ago | Notes: 8

"Do you think he could instantly see those things in the magic eye books because he has a magic eye? Like he could just flip through that shit without even having to bring it up in front of his face."

- Boyfriend on Mad Eye Moody

Quote

8 months ago | Notes: 5

"Wait, so having more than one wand makes your spells more powerful? Why the fuck don’t they carry around a fist full of wands? That’s what I’d do. I’d be tying them to my wrist and shit."

Quote

8 months ago | Notes: 16

"I mean, how about ‘The Molesters Map.’ They use the map to navigate the dark castle and find women to molest. Instead of ‘Mischief Managed’ they could say ‘Molestation Managed.’ It could be for those women who have rape fantasies. There’s a market for that, isn’t there?"

"I think the porn industry really missed out when it came to Harry-Potter-themed pornos. I mean, other than Harry Twatter. But was that the best they could do? There are so many options."

"I bet the bible was just an extravagant way to cover up the powerful wizard Yahweh and his son Jesus."

"If the centaurs raped umbridge as is implied in the movies would she just have a satyr?"

"If I were Snape I’d get a painting of the Mauraders made just so I could poop and jizz all over them."

"The first magic-talking-paintings must have been indistinguishable from one another…assuming magic painting started with cavemen stick figures"

"Going back to the zoo Nagini, why did it speak Spanish if it was from Brazil? It should have spoken Portuguese."

"How the hell did Nagini live so long? They have a 30 year lifespan. I bet Voldemort went through like 3-4 Naginis in his lifetime - sorta like how when people get a new cat they name it like Wicket 2."

"What the hell did Nagini do when Voldemort was dead-ish? Maybe she took Spanish lessons and lived in a zoo until Harry freed her, like an idiot."

"Why didn’t Voldemort use boggarts as a weapon? Seems like it would be one hack ass weapon. Just get a bunch of them in crates and into a wizard plane and drop them over Hogwarts like bombs. Everyone would be shitting their pants. He wouldn’t have to do a thing."

"Do you think he could instantly see those things in the magic eye books because he has a magic eye? Like he could just flip through that shit without even having to bring it up in front of his face."

"Wait, so having more than one wand makes your spells more powerful? Why the fuck don’t they carry around a fist full of wands? That’s what I’d do. I’d be tying them to my wrist and shit."

"The perfect disguise for Voldemort would have been a pair of those glasses with a mustache and fake nose. Everyone knows he didn’t have a nose."