September 2011
18 posts
Boyfriend: Little known fact: the early success of the beatles with such love-inspired songs as, "All you need is love" can be attributed to Dumbledore magic attempt to subconsciously give Harry the tools to beat Voldemort.
Boyfriend: Unfortunately for Dumbledore, like so many of his generation, Harry was primarily listening to the Spice Girls, Chumbuwumba, and Smash Mouth before the Battle of Hogwarts
Boyfriend: That's a pottermore fact I hear
“I bet the bible was just an extravagant way to cover up the powerful wizard...”
– Boyfriend
“If the centaurs raped umbridge as is implied in the movies would she just have a...”
– Boyfriend
“If I were Snape I’d get a painting of the Mauraders made just so I could...”
– Boyfriend
“The first magic-talking-paintings must have been indistinguishable from one...”
“Going back to the zoo Nagini, why did it speak Spanish if it was from Brazil? It...”
– Boyfriend
“How the hell did Nagini live so long? They have a 30 year lifespan. I bet...”
– Boyfriend, who has a cat name Wicket.
“What the hell did Nagini do when Voldemort was dead-ish? Maybe she took Spanish...”
– Boyfriend on how big fucking snakes survive.
Boyfriend: When Harry, Hermione and Ron were traipsing about the woods for what seemed like half a decade why didn't they just stay high on that potion that makes you happy?
Me: Um.. they needed to focus?
Boyfriend: Bullshit. Just give it to the person wearing the locket so they don't try to kill themselves.
Boyfriend: Plus if it's too hard to make, they could have just used the potion that makes you not care about your feelings anymore: alcohol.
Boyfriend: And as far as needing to focus with that...well I've known some drunks that weren't necessarily focused, but they certainly didn't get all angry and abusive.
“Why didn’t Voldemort use boggarts as a weapon? Seems like it would be one...”
– Boyfriend on Boggarts
“Do you think he could instantly see those things in the magic eye books because...”
– Boyfriend on Mad Eye Moody
“Wait, so having more than one wand makes your spells more powerful? Why the fuck...”
“The perfect disguise for Voldemort would have been a pair of those glasses with...”
Boyfriend: How do boggarts reproduce?
Boyfriend: One's worst fear would have to be getting raped and pregnant, the other's worst fear would have to be raping someone.
Boyfriend: And then what if your worst fear is losing the baby when it's inside you?
“Why didn’t Voldemort get a magic nose? Mad Eye had a magic eye. He’d...”
“Do they ever say what Neville’s patronus is? No? Well I say it’s a...”
Boyfriend: Poor Voldemort. He just wants to clean shit up and he gets fucked over at every turn.
Me: Well he wants to exterminate muggles.
Boyfriend: Clearly they're not very nice or he wouldn't be an orphan.
Boyfriend: Besides, he'd keep a few of them around as slaves. You couldn't have wizards doing everything. That would be insane.
“How do boggarts know what your worst fear is? I mean, do they have a failure...”
August 2011
28 posts
“So if Voldemort had been in Gryffindor, would he have come back looking like a...”
– Boyfriend (who just watched AVPM for the first time)
“Do you think Voldemort had the death eaters find Mad-Eye’s body? I would...”
Boyfriend: Do wizards normally let people touch their wands?
Me: Um, it's a personal thing.
Boyfriend: Like 'I'm touching your penis' personal?
Me: ....
1 tag
“Do wizards use bidets? Or just aquamenti?”
1 tag
Boyfriend: Why don't any adults have wizard familiars/pets?
Boyfriend: Does it represent innocence lost, or is it because adult wizards just upgrade to full blown slavery with house elves?
Me: Um...
Boyfriend: Speaking of which, if adult wizards have pets, do they just apparate home from vacation every day to feed them? Or convince a friend to care for them?
1 tag
“I bet wizard delivery food is the shit, you could have Indian food from India in...”
1 tag
“Ron Jizzley is Harry Twatters best friend…and maybe sometimes lover....”
3 tags
“Before finding out dumbledore was gay he sounded like gandalf in my head, now he...”
1 tag
“Do you think you can mix love potions with roofies?”
1 tag
Boyfriend: Does the wizard government collect taxes?
Boyfriend: They have to if they pay their workers...sucks ass to be a wizard, you have to pay double fucking taxes, one to the regular government and one to the magical
Boyfriend: And they probably don't even have any good wizard social services
1 tag
“I just realized, because of Arithmancy “mathmagician”is no longer...”
1 tag
Boyfriend: When was tom riddle born?
Me: Umm the 20s i think
Me: He was like 72 when he died
Boyfriend: 613, 200
Me: ?
Boyfriend: That's how many turns, give or take, it would take with one of those magic reverse time stop watches to go back to when tom riddle was born and give his ass some serious shaken baby syndrome
1 tag
Boyfriend: How do you get a job as a secret keeper?
Boyfriend: I'm not sure how, but that seems like some risky shit with pedos
Boyfriend: It's probably all bullshit
Boyfriend: It was just a way for pedos to keep kids from blabbing about uncle merlin's wand blasting hour
Boyfriend: "Oh...you can't tell your father...You're my secret keeper!"
1 tag
Boyfriend: I imagine the deaf have a hard time being wizards
Me: oh?
Boyfriend: It must be nearly impossible to say the right magic phrase
Boyfriend: Just imagine Helen Keller as a wizard
Boyfriend: Ekpehto pawtwonom!
1 tag
“What sort of punishment does Umbridge give out if you don’t have any...”
– boyfriend
1 tag
“Jesus and Harry Potter are a lot alike in many ways. The most obvious being that...”
– Boyfriend
1 tag
“Harry’s Whore-cruxes: Blasting these will bring you to your knees!...”
– Boyfriend
1 tag
“I’m not sure because I haven’t gotten there yet, but I’d bet...”
– Boyfriend on OoTP
1 tag
Boyfriend: Do you think the ghost at Hogwarts watch the kids masturbate?
Boyfriend: I would.
Boyfriend: In fact, that's probably the only reason I'd haunt anything.
Boyfriend: The older kids only though. I wouldn't be a pedo ghost. I don't want ghost Chris Hansen to fool me into visiting his ghost house.
1 tag
Boyfriend: Do they have wizard college or post-grad work?
Me: I.. don't know.
Boyfriend: Well how else to wizards pick up witches at wizard bars if not by flaunting their master's level education in wizard art history?
1 tag
Boyfriend: Harry Potter waving his wand around is as good as a panty-dropper potion to Cho
Boyfriend: Panty Snatchamondus!
1 tag
“What do wizards think of magicians? Do they treat them like retarded cousins?”
– Boyfriend
1 tag
Boyfriend: Did he have a base before?
Boyfriend: I'm not really sure how he could have had a more menacing or uncomfortable place than Hogwarts though...it's already a drafty, haunted, trap-filled castle (much like I assume most of the UK is).
Boyfriend: He'd have to have something more unpleasant.
Boyfriend: Like a bathroom at a gas station, that's about as unpleasant as it gets. He'd probably take down that little wall between the urinals, make it really awkward and uncomfortable.
1 tag
“If he were truly evil he would only eat shit like burgers and pizza in front of...”
– Boyfriend on Voldemort’s eating habits.
1 tag
Boyfriend: Do you think the Dark Lord took vacations when he was in his prime?
Boyfriend: Like he had all of June booked with killings and torture and then took the first two weeks of August off for a trip to the Virgin Islands?
Boyfriend: I doubt it actually, he seems more like a long weekend kind of guy; he likes his work so he doesn't want to go for too long or too far, but he enjoys having enough time to himself to read a book at a leisurely pace
1 tag
“Does Voldemort eat? I imagine he has to, but I wonder if it’s like villian...”
– Boyfriend on Voldemort’s eating habits.
2 tags
“I’m pretty sure Draco is beautified in the movie. With all that...”
– Boyfriend on why Disney is lying to us all
4 tags
Boyfriend: Do people eat skrewt and stuff?
Boyfriend: Seems like a lot of perfectly good dead mystical creatures go to waste if not.
Boyfriend: You see the size of a spider?
Boyfriend: They are like 7 feet tall.
Boyfriend: Probably more meat than a goat.
Boyfriend: Could feed half of the starving kids in Africa with just the brood from the spider that Hagrid raised.
Boyfriend: Plus they could make them clothes with the silk.
July 2011
50 posts
3 tags
“I’m still trying to figure out the damned wizard economy. It seems to...”
– Boyfriend on the wizard economy
3 tags
“You can make a metal hand for a dude and you can’t magic up a potato? Plus...”
– Boyfriend on why wizards have an obligation to help muggles.
1 tag
Boyfriend: You think he gave benefits and stuff to the death eaters? Pirates used to, why wouldn't he?
Me: Not dying is probably a good benefit
Boyfriend: Yeah, but so is dental, and god knows the British need that
3 tags
“Is there wizard porn? If there is I bet there’s a spoof of Harry’s...”
– Boyfriend on wizard porn